Contemplating Life’s Choices

If you’ve been here for a while you know that I burned out and took time off work back at the end of 2024. At that point I hit a wall one day where I literally couldn’t figure out how to write a simple response to a coworker in a completely non-threatening correspondence. I took six weeks off to do a bunch of yoga, do some therapy, and be outside.

I came back to work thinking maybe things would be fine and that I would do what I need to not burn out again. All the literature I read talked about burnout being something you had to address at the root cause and not just run away from. (i.e. you can’t just quit your job and eliminate burnout.) For me the thing causing stress was a number of factors happening all at once at work that compounded overtime were too much for my nervous system to handle.

Over the last 6-8 months I’ve found myself sliding back into that burnout state and at times it was a struggle to think anything would get better or that it would be worth carrying on. Knowing I didn’t want to live my life feeling like that and seeing the stress spill out into my home life I talked to my doctor and started a modified work schedule.

In shifting to this modified schedule I started to question if it was me. Maybe I wasn’t a good leader. Maybe I lacked the skills and capabilities to be in my role. Maybe I was the only one not keeping up. In sinking back into burnout I really questioned if maybe I wasn’t as smart or as capable as I thought I was.

The thing that kept carrying me through things was the leadership team I am part of. I’ve been part of great leadership teams in the past and this one is really special. Everyone is so smart in their domain yet so humble and willing to help out. No question is bad or “dumb”, they will literally help carry the work when you’re out, lift you up when you’re feeling down, and be there to celebrate and cheer you on when you win.

The other day when I was once again in existential crisis mode feeling like maybe I was the problem and unable to hack it I got the notification that an Instacart delivery was on it’s way to me. The beautiful thing was everything they chose to send me was stuff I could actually eat. It’s a lovely gesture to receive a nice treat but when it’s got dairy and I can’t eat it sometimes it just feels sad.

The leaders I work with didn’t have to do this. We’re all peers and in the thick of the same uncertainty and change. And yet, they showed up in a meaningful way that reminds me of their care and attention days later as I enjoy the snacks and drinks.

These folks have the emotional intelligence and compassion to care enough to do what they could to try and lift me up when they saw I’d been struggling for a long time. The issue I have is this gesture will not be seen by the people responsible for their next promotion, it won’t matter if there’s another round of layoffs, and it doesn’t fix the actual problems that are burning people out and having people leave. Emotional intelligence is something you don’t measure. You can’t make it into a KPI or OKR. It doesn’t sit on the CEO’s dashboard of things that matter to the health of the business.

And yet, leaders who lack emotional intelligence can add to uncertainty, fear, and doubt. They can unintentionally create a lack of psychological safety. They can miss the moments when someone is deeply struggling and needs some space, compassion, or care to pull out of whatever depth they’ve fallen into.

One of the most important things in creating an environment where people thrive isn’t screened for in hiring, reviewed for promotion, or tracked in year end reviews. The ability to be human and to deeply see and support others is a game changer in creating an environment where people can be adaptable, creative, and innovative. All the things companies are asking for can be cultivated with the right leadership.

Unfortunately we still promote because someone was good at the job, not because they have the skills to be a good leader. Because someone is friends with their manager or has connections higher in the org. Because someone has reached the top of their pay band and they’re threatening to leave if they don’t get a raise and the only option is to throw them into leadership.

If we actually put as much care and attention into ensuring leaders had emotional intelligence, that they can communicate effectively, that they can help themselves and others manage change, and that they can develop people through meaningful feedback and coaching then maybe we wouldn’t be dragging people along through whatever the next strategy of the moment asks for. Maybe then we’d have meaningful conversations about where AI belongs in the work and where it will literally cost more to run than keeping the people who do the work today.

The longer I am in the tech space the more I realize leaders still are the linchpin to a companies success and the lack of investment in leaders at all levels will be the downfall or biggest barrier of companies in the age of AI.

I’m so deeply grateful for the leaders I get to work with who still believe in me even when I’ve doom-spiraled into the pit of despair. Leaders like the ones I get to work with every day are the reason I am even making it through at this point. Combined with a team that also has my back and believes in me is why I keep showing up and trying to influence change because they all deserve better.

I know modifying my work schedule is the right thing for me and if it results in people perceiving me to not be as committed or worth keeping in my role then so be it. My daughter drew the little creature giving a thumbs up with a “you’ve got this” for me and that reminds me what I’m doing all of this for anyway. I want to be the best mom I can be for her and my son so taking care of my mental health matters. I hope by sharing my story that others who are struggling can know you’re not the only one. The world is a lot right now so don’t hesitate to find help and support for yourself if you need it.