Contemplating Life’s Choices

Over the last year and a half I’ve continued to learn more about burnout, wellness, and dealing with workplace dysfunction in the age of AI.

The days of “doing more with less” used to mean just redistributing existing work across people who didn’t get laid off or quit.

Now “doing more with less” often means taking on the redistributed work of others while also learning how to use AI to automate the majority of tasks in your job, taking on new projects created because of AI, and trying to get your team members to use AI regardless if they have the skill or will to do so ethically and effectively.

Over the last 6-8 months I realized I was falling back into burnout again. Constant anxiety, heart palpitations and random chest pain, being exhausted no matter how much sleep I got, going to bed with random hives all over, and an ongoing sense of is it even worth it to stay on this planet if this is all life is going to be until I eventually die.

I’m lucky I have solid relationships with people who care about me, who want to see me happy, who check on me with genuine care, and who give me enough grace to know when I show up a filthy hot mess that it is more a product of the environment than a personal failing.

It was with deep reflection and a lot of conversations I finally went back to my doctor to complete the FMLA paperwork to request a modified work schedule.

Old me would have felt like a failure.

Old me would have kept pushing, kept trying harder, and kept taking on the work until there was nothing left but a full and total mental and physical collapse.

When I took my first burnout break I was literally covered in hives, blood pressure out of control even with meds, and my hair falling out to the point you could tell it was visibly thinning.

The evolved version of me saw this coming and didn’t want a repeat collapse.

The evolved version of me knew I had to take care of myself before things got worse because the pit of despair was getting darker and harder to pull myself out of.

I submitted my paperwork last week and with processing time today is the first day of my modified schedule. I now work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday and then I’m off Thursday and Friday.

I could have taken a big chunk of time off all at once like I did a year and a half ago when I first burned out but that didn’t feel right. Our team is getting a new VP level leader and my team is one that people don’t understand what we do or why we matter. I couldn’t leave them without a leader to advocate for their position in whatever the new leader of the business line wants to do. I felt working part time so I could continue to support them was important and that a few days a week off each week would be enough to help me have the time to step away and take care of myself.

My doctor and I plan to evaluate again in a couple months and see how things are going.

That said, it’s day 1 of seeing if this modified schedule will give me the space to process, heal, and get grounded so I can continue to show up as my best both at work but also in my life.

Part of me knows I have to make these decisions even when I am afraid of the career consequences I might face because I would never want my kids to experience this and feel they had to keep going no matter what.

I’m hoping to post regularly about how things go in working through burnout once again, what’s happening with my business, and also sharing things I am finding helpful so others can get back to themselves if they are dealing with similar situations.

If you join me on this journey I hope you’ll know you are not alone. Burnout is real and the expectations that workplaces are putting on people are a lot right now.

If you are someone who knows that you can’t go on like this but you aren’t sure how to get out or what’s next I hope you’ll join me to work through this together. I don’t believe things need to keep operating this way AND I know it’s hard to change when you don’t know what change will bring or you’re so overwhelmed it’s hard to see a different future for yourself.