Contemplating Life’s Choices

** Heads up, I have a lot I want to discuss and share around my experience with burnout so this will end up being a series of posts. For ease, I will label the posts in the title like you see here. Welcome to season 1, episode 3. You can find all of my posts related to my burnout experience here.

Intellectually I knew that burning out was not a character flaw in myself. I knew that burnout was relatively common, that even – or especially – high performers can experience it, and that sometimes despite your best efforts it may not be enough.

That didn’t stop me from spiraling through the thoughts like…

• What if my boss thinks I’m weak and useless as a team member?
• What if my boss decides I shouldn’t get stretch assignments or the marketing opportunities that I love so much because I can’t handle it?
• What if my boss punishes me at my year end review, when it’s time to determine bonuses/raises, or when the next round of layoffs comes?
• What if my customers think I gave up on them?
• What if my peers think I’m not good enough?
• What if I get laid off when I get back and then don’t have a job?

On top of all of these thoughts I had to make sure checked myself on the expectations I have of me as an employee.

• I’m adaptable and agile and I can handle challenges so why not this?
• I’m the hardest worker I know, why can’t I just push through?
• If I’m not working, does that make me less of a person?
• Does burning out mean I can’t hack it or that I’m somehow lazy?
• I’ve had worse managers and toxic environments so why now?

The thing I realized in all of this was that burnout for me wasn’t something that just popped up when I decided I wanted a break. It was a persistent condition of the work environment I was in. Most folks in tech, and honestly so many other companies, will relate to the ongoing fear of layoffs, cutbacks from customers saying they no longer have budget to spend, offshoring both in company and from our customers, and changes in leadership and goals that make it hard to know if what you’re doing is the right thing.

I believe that a number of factors combined led me to this place. I also believe that I did so much to try and avoid burning out.

• I was honest with my manager about my state, frustrations, fears, and challenges.
• I tried to scale back and not take on extra work so I could focus on my clients and specific priorities that were given to me by my manager or other leaders.
• I disconnected when I took vacations or on the weekends.
• I assumed positive intent and tried to focus my mindset on future hopes for myself and the team.
• I expressed gratitude for what I did have and for the parts of my job that I truly enjoyed.
• I asked for help from peers and my manager when I needed it.

At the end of the day I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts, the constant exhaustion, and the physical pain and symptoms I was experiencing. I felt like I was letting everyone down to consider taking a leave but I knew if I didn’t it would destroy me or I’d end up actually making mistakes, ruining relationships, or doing harm and I never wanted to do that.

I put my guilt aside and told myself that there wasn’t any shame in taking care of myself, in asking for help, and in stepping back.

I realized that even machines need maintenance, fuel, and down time.

Think about it. You don’t run your car with zero maintenance, minimal fuel, at 100 MPH all day every day. You do your oil changes and scheduled maintenance. If a tire gets a hole in it you get the hole fixed or buy a new tire. When the washer fluid is out you put more in. You replace the breaks when they wear, you put gas in when it gets low, and you vary your speed going slow in neighborhoods and faster on the freeway but never full speed 24/7.

If machines need breaks and maintenance why would I expect myself to run 24/7, 365, for years and years without breaking down?

I don’t expect that every person will experience burnout in their life but what I realized in reframing my guilt was that sometimes we all need to hit pause, get back on track with our scheduled maintenance, and take care of ourselves.

Whether you’re feeling a little stressed or totally burned out, I want you to know you’re not alone and there’s no shame in taking care of yourself. Find ways to put the guilt aside and make sure you can take care of your needs so you can continue to be there for yourself and for the other people and things that matter to you.