Contemplating Life’s Choices

Given all the layoffs, economic uncertainty, banks collapsing or on the verge of collapse, a dysfunctional and divicive political system, global conflicts, and so many other issues I’ve been thinking about what makes sense for me in terms of preparing for the future. Sure, I know you can’t have control of everything or know for certainty if you even need a plan B but in times like these if feels naive to pretend the old mindset of “keep your head down, do your job well, and you’ll be fine” still works. As we’ve looked at the questions I use when thinking about job changes I realized something that is a reoccurring theme in my life.

I’ve never really fit in anywhere.

It’s not to say I haven’t been successful in spaces I’ve been in or that I’ve been incapable of making friends but there’s always been this thread that I feel I’m always in the middle. It’s kind of hard to explain but let’s see where this goes.

A little girlie but not like the pretty popular girls. A little Asian but not Asian enough to speak the language or fully identify with the culture. Smart enough to get through school and in workplaces but not credentialed like the people with the masters degrees and PhDs. I’m non-threatening enough to be the “evidence” that a workplace is diverse but never good enough to promote past a certain level or invest in targeted development to have a chance.

In some ways it hasn’t been bad. I can see and empathize with both sides of an argument easily. I’m comfortable learning and unlearning. I can fit in workplaces where no one else looks like me. I have learned to take charge of my own development and career path without depending on others to see my potential.

In other ways I always feel like a little bit of a fraud. Capable of fitting into different spaces but never like I actually belong there.

The other way I’ve seen this impact me is that I always feel half way between where I am and where I want to be. Could I be successful working my way up the career ladder. Yes. Could I potentially be successful running my own business. Sure. The issue is part of me says do it, be the example, run up the career ladder and be the first at something. The other part of me says, that’s exhausting, those spaces aren’t designed for you, so why not follow your passions in pursuit of things like yoga.

This morning though I had a thought that what if I just took a chance on combining the two halves of my world. The half that’s very knowledgeable about business and leadership development and paired it with the things I’m learning through yoga. I never want the things I write to be noise as a creator and there are SO many people with multiple degrees, executive level experience, and clout that I don’t have where I feel saying similar things just adds to the noise. I’ve known for a bit that the key to not adding to the clutter is to find your unique point of view. To create and share in a way that is uniquely yours and maybe this is it.

It’s a little scary because it feels like for so many a holistic and intuitive life doesn’t belong in the workplace but at this point what really does? The workplace is changing faster than anyone can effectively adapt to. The things that felt certain in the past no longer are. So how do we cope knowing most of us will have to have jobs and may never choose the path of self employment or freelance work? Is there a space in the workplace for developing yourself in a way that isn’t just the usual development programs but also looks at where your chakras come into play, where movement of the planets impacts how you experience the world, and where taking the time for tuning into your body and mind compliments leadership and personal development?

Whew. That feels a little scary just to write down but maybe, just maybe, this is the first step to fully expressing my authentic self and what I want to see in the world. Is it for everyone. No. And that’s ok. No one is going to be the right person or leader or inspiration for everyone. At this point it feels important to find the places that resonate with you, that help you feel that sense of belonging, and let you embody your whole and authentic self. Even if, for now, you still have to show up at work and code switch to get by. Perhaps if there are small spaces where we can truly belong we can start to change the things that hurt in the world around us.

If this speaks to you I’d love to hear from you. If this matters to even one person it would be really cool to know I’m not alone.